I forgot to mention that i'm left handed!

Have you ever seen the Great Race? In it, Jack Lemmon plays a nefarious do-badder named Dr. Fate and has the evil man’s version of a bond car and is always telling his lackey, Max (played by Peter Falk) to “push the button”. Shenanigans typically ensue.

I find myself in the villain’s role here and there, and for some reason, this morning I want to riff on it.

Funny, I was totally going to riff on Kombucha, and it’s potential to make the drinker one with the universe….

Anyway, I have the proper traits for a classic bad guy:

I wear black. I have the funny voice. I’m short and have poor upper body strength. I prefer dark over light. I dislike cold temperatures and will bundle up accordingly. I make potions and elixirs. I wear a hat. I like it when people push their boundries. I’m kinky, kinky, kinky. I don’t like violence done to me. I’m rarely the best. I have googly eyes. I’m unconcerned with both modern farming practices AND global warming. I enjoy meat - the redder the better. I enjoy sports. There aren’t any English words edited out of my vocabulary. I wear white socks, even in Boston. Garlic does unpleasant things to me. I’m a white male American in an apparently heteronormative relationship who works for a global corporation. I voted for Dubya in 2000. Tobey McGuire is my archnemesis.

However… I am lacking in one major area. I don’t have a minion. I lack in the lackey department.

I have a wife, but she’s more like Eddie Izzard’s version of Pavlov’s Cat. If I ring the bell, she goes to sleep, or wanders off, or rings it back at me.

Oh! I also don’t have a cat. What kind of good villain doesn’t have a cat?

Any way, my lack of attracting second hand types typecasts me as lackluster, second-hand at best.

I guess that’s ok with me. I find myself in the hero’s role here and there, too, but for some reason this morning I don’t want to riff on that.

I may riff on my harmonica later. I play a pretty mean harmonica…

Muhahahahahas.

p.s. I have been blogging all of April while I’ve been banished from the internet at home. perhaps I’ll do a “best of” post and leave out all the emo bits. Man, it’s good to be back.